


The Meaning of Happiness

by AliasZero



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Guilty Sam, Hurt, Hurt Dean, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Stanford Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-17
Updated: 2014-08-17
Packaged: 2018-02-13 13:08:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2151867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliasZero/pseuds/AliasZero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fanfic contest entry based on the prompt: "I'm going to be happy."</p>
<p>Stanford era. Dean suffers from the pain and hurt after Sam left. Sam doesnt realize how wrong he was until the inevitable happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Meaning of Happiness

Voicemail #1 Two days ago you left, Sammy. I would be really happy for you, if you didn’t pick that fight with Dad. But it’s all good. You have what you wanted for so long now. And I—I’m going to be fine. I’m always, always fine.

 

Voicemail #2 Hey Sam, today I went for my first solo hunt. I bet you would freak out if you were here. …But, …but it went okay. It was a werewolf and I put a silver bullet to his heart. I know you are busy. I just really wanted to tell you.

 

Voicemail #3

It’s been two months, Sam. I thought you would call. You said you would call. But I’m wrong I guess. Ganked some disgusting pagan god tonight. She fucking bled green goo. I was covered in it when she exploded on top of me. You would laugh so hard if you were… Never mind. At least call Dad, Sam. He misses you.

 

Voicemail #4

…I know it’s three in the morning for you but… Sam, why don’t you call? You made me think all kinds of crazy and dark things and—fuck, what do I mean to you Sam? Did you just pretend you like me all those times before? Did you kiss me because I told you about how I felt that night? Because you had no other choice? Because you were stuck with me back then? Jesus, Sammy. I really want to believe I meant something to you. I really wish I still take up a part of your heart while you are out there being happy. Are you happy, Sam?

 

Voicemail #5

I went to visit you today. Well, I went close enough to your door but I was such a coward. I didn’t dare to knock on it. It was a nice place though, I can tell. It was everything you wished you could have when you were younger. Are you sharing the flat with someone? A girl? I saw the double bed from your window. Is there a girl, Sammy?

 

Voicemail #6

I start to think that I’m leaving messages in the wind. But that’s okay. It really is. …I—I miss you Sam.

 

Voicemail #7

You are gone for one year. Dad and I had a fight today because I ran into a vamp nest alone. But the thing is if I didn’t, those people could have died. He said I changed. He also yelled a lot. But you know Dad, he is always exaggerating things. I only believe the changes are good. I am stronger, faster and more decisive when I hunt. I don’t think about other things now, Sam. But I still don’t know how to do stitches like you did. I messed them up twice before getting it to look semi decent, ruined two motel towels in the process. …I guess you probably don’t want to know more. Good night Sam. I hope you have sweet dreams.

 

Voicemail #8

There was a Rugaru near the neighborhood you live. But it’s taken care of now.

 

Voicemail #9

I don’t know why I’m still leaving messages here, Sam. It’s been fifteen months. You just can’t be bothered to check your voicemail? Or you simply chucked the phone once you stepped foot in college? I thought those countless nights under the stars were real Sam. I thought the way you moaned and groaned against my lips while running your fingers through my hair was real, because it felt real. It felt too real. So that now… now I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not anymore. Sammy… please, can you—can you answer the phone? Can you call me just once? We don’t have to talk about anything. Just say hi, okay? You can text me too. Something, anything, Sam. I—I’m not sure how much longer I can hang on…

 

Voicemail #10

I wonder why I still count the days that you are gone. You said you were not leaving me. You were leaving hunting. But Sam, isn’t hunting what we were? What I am? I know our life can’t give you the home you dreamt of but I tried my best Sammy. Am I not good enough…to be in your dream? …I messed up in a hunt again. The blood on my shirt stinks, but I can’t be bothered to clean it up. You said you were going to be happy. I bet you are now. I’m glad. I should be glad…

 

Voicemail #11

Sam. It’s Dean.

 

¶

 

Sam lowers the phone after he finished listening to all the voicemails, including the last one John left to finally get him out of Stanford in the middle of the night. His hand is shaking so much he can barely keep the phone in his grip. He wipes his face anxiously and looks around. The fluorescent lights hanging on the hospital hallway are so bright that they make him feel nauseous.

Then he hears footsteps coming towards him. He looks up to meet John’s eyes, but he cannot bring himself to ask how Dean is. He feels like he does not have the right.

“He went back to get this, when the demons ambushed us.” John says stiffly and drops something onto Sam’s palm.

Sam does not need to look. He knows what it is once the cold metal comes into contact with his skin. He rubs his thumb over the edge of the amulet but does not dare to look at it. He pinches the bridge of his nose.

_“Are you happy Sam?”_

Dean’s coarse and desperate voice rings again in his head. He blinks hard trying to hold back his tears.

_“I bet you are.”_

No, Dean. Sam buries his face in his palms as his tears finally rush pass the dam he tries so hard to build. He presses the amulet to his cheek hard. No… Dean.Why am I so, so stupid? How can I be happy… without you?

 


End file.
